I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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