Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
wanna go halves on a baby?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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