do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
