Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
