just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
