Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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