I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
