We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
