last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
