someone threw a dead crab at me
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Randomize
