Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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