Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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