cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Duck Duck Cougar?
You can't motorboat a personality
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
