On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
