I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
God I need to hump something, right now.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
