Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
