Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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