Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Alive.
So much puke
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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