His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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