Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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