I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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