The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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