his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
