you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
