"it" just moved
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
