We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
