Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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