you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
