I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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