I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
