I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
