hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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