I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
