I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
