lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
