he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
