I feel great
I just peed on a car
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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