I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
