i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
