winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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