She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
