My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
