Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
