Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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