The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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