I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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