what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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