He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
