I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
