When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
