you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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