PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
